Sixteen Days

Life again is a measurement of days.

Six days until my semester is over, ten days until Christmas, sixteen days until we can shut the door on 2011.

2011 has been an intense year of deconstruction, reconstruction, irrevocable change.

I’ve felt things I’ve never felt before nor want to again. I hit bottom in a few areas of my life. I hope to build some things anew, and I hope to scrap other things entirely.

More than anything really, and perhaps most selfishly, I’m striving for pain-free days in 2012.

The other night, as I sat in bed on a folded up blanket with my left leg dangling over the side in the hope of not irritating my hip, I realized I’ve had very few pain-free days in the past 19 months. While I’m past the days of wanting to cut off my leg and just be free of the damned thing, and past the days when it felt like there was a butcher knife in my butt cutting through my muscles, I’m still worn down.

Chronic pain isn’t a fun topic, so I don’t talk about it much these days. It has become this thing in my life that I try to ignore until I can’t anymore, and then I feel like crying. It makes me want to throw plates against walls, to set things on fire, to smash large panes of glass. It’s a frustration and anger that becomes bigger than me, and I think that makes people uncomfortable.

2012: here’s looking to you.

5 thoughts on “Sixteen Days

  1. Porkchop says:

    I’m sorry that you hurt so much and sorry that sometimes I forget about it.

  2. 13projects says:

    Oh Carrie. I’m bummed about the pain, too. I managed to inflame my hip sockets or I-band or something in the past two days, which has been a small insight into the nature of hip pain. Mine’s on my thighs rather than my ass, and I’m assuming will disappear with ice, rest, and more regular exercise. But shit. shit shit shit. It made me really think about the wear pain puts on a body and how long you’ve been struggling with it.

    sending love,


  3. Val says:

    Hi Carrie,

    I remember a while back you said that you were advised not to practice yoga, since it was creating too much openness and instability in the hips. But yoga nidra/guided imagery meditation might be helpful– for some people it does help with chronic pain, though obviously everyone’s different.

    I wish there was more I could do, but please know that I’m sending good thoughts to you and your hips!

    • Val says:

      To give you a bit more info, yoga nidra is done lying down– no movement at all. You can use pillows or a folded blanket for support under the knees and head, and cover yourself with a blanket for warmth. And then you just close your eyes, and listen to the meditation, and usually your mind floats between various layers of consciousness. Or you fall asleep. But even so, you still get all of the benefits from it.

      There are some free meditation and yoga nidra downloads on itunes. The authority in the US on yoga nidra is Richard Miller– his website is He’s got some articles and research as well on his website– he’s been using yoga nidra with veterans with ptsd, and also people with chronic pain. I have his book, Yoga Nidra: A Meditative practice for deep relaxation and healing, which comes with a meditation cd. I think you can also download some of his meditations from the website as well.

      It’s obviously not an overnight cure, but a lying down meditation practice might help.

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