Life again is a measurement of days.
Six days until my semester is over, ten days until Christmas, sixteen days until we can shut the door on 2011.
2011 has been an intense year of deconstruction, reconstruction, irrevocable change.
I’ve felt things I’ve never felt before nor want to again. I hit bottom in a few areas of my life. I hope to build some things anew, and I hope to scrap other things entirely.
More than anything really, and perhaps most selfishly, I’m striving for pain-free days in 2012.
The other night, as I sat in bed on a folded up blanket with my left leg dangling over the side in the hope of not irritating my hip, I realized I’ve had very few pain-free days in the past 19 months. While I’m past the days of wanting to cut off my leg and just be free of the damned thing, and past the days when it felt like there was a butcher knife in my butt cutting through my muscles, I’m still worn down.
Chronic pain isn’t a fun topic, so I don’t talk about it much these days. It has become this thing in my life that I try to ignore until I can’t anymore, and then I feel like crying. It makes me want to throw plates against walls, to set things on fire, to smash large panes of glass. It’s a frustration and anger that becomes bigger than me, and I think that makes people uncomfortable.
2012: here’s looking to you.