Cracked

2012 seems to be off to an already auspicious start.

And I write that rather sarcastically.

Yesterday Porkchop and I went to Elephant Rocks State Park and climbed around some big rocks.

Big rocks

The rocks are red granite and were formed by big deposits of molten lava. Seeing the rocks and the old quarries makes you appreciate all the natural forces that have formed this little planet of ours. Thinking about a big volcano in mid-Missouri is kind of crazy.

Speaking of crazy, while sitting on the top of a big buried granite boulder, I plunged headfirst into the crazy waters.

It’s been a tear-filled week for me, but sitting on that boulder, I really let it rip. I sobbed and let snot stream out my nose (thanks to Target’s generic Mucinex).

Things that happened over the summer and fall cracked me open, spilling out everything inside of me. It’s been a couple of months, and I still haven’t been able to figure out how to put everything back inside and sew myself up.

The feelings I have weigh me down and wear down those around me. Worst of all, I have intense envy for people who have been able to move past things. I feel stupid for not being able to deal with my shit, and I feel like my growth has been stunted while life continues on for others. I didn’t ask for any of this, and I don’t want to be like this.

I used to have an intense feeling of being homesick, but now I just feel broken. All I want to be is the person who I used to be, not this sack full of sadness and envy and anger.

Given all of this, I guess it’s time I make the call to the therapist who I saw in the fall and talk about antidepressants. This pains me greatly because I wanted to be the one child in my family who didn’t need antidepressants.

Is this the face of depression?

My new alligator buddy

Is this the face of depression?

Keetah being stately

My biggest fear is that antidepressants won’t work. What happens to your thoughts and feelings? How does it change how you feel about things that happened?

While visiting my parents over Christmas, my mom told a family story that I had never heard. In the early 1960s, one of her cousins disappeared. He was headed from Kansas to Colorado to visit his mom, but he never showed up. All of this was on the national news, and the FBI investigated the case, but the cousin was never found. His car turned up later somewhere in Kansas. His horse and cowboy gear were all at the ranch where he worked in Kansas. His bank account was never touched. There didn’t seem to be foul play involved; it was all just very odd. My mom’s aunt was in poor health anyway, and she died not too long after her son’s disappearance. Five years later, he surfaced outside of Phoenix where he was working at a ranch under a different name. Nothing bad had happened to him; he just wanted to start over somewhere completely new.

My family had nothing but bad things to say about this cousin, but I kind of understand him.

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10 thoughts on “Cracked

  1. Lisa says:

    Carrie, you don’t know me from adam…but please accept a virtual hug from someone whose been there.

  2. Donna says:

    if you can tolerate another virtual hug from a virtual stranger, please accept one from me.

  3. I’m gonna squeeze the stuffing out of you at lunch today. :)

  4. Suzi says:

    Depression is a monster that is often underrated and still wholly stigmatized.
    Being the one person in a group or family to NOT be on anti-depressants is very different from being the one person in a group or family to not NEED to be on anti-depressants. The first can be destructive. The latter is not in a person’s control.

    You have a fantastic will to thrive and I think that drugs might help you get back to realizing those triumphs that you seem to be currently missing. Those triumphs help even out life’s little awfuls.

    The best thing my Da gave me . . . was advice. One piece that I will forever remember is about control. He said to me. . . “you have a control issue. you try to control everything and everyone around you. that control will backfire and you will lose it all. so back up and control those things that you can. get help to release those things that you can’t. that way, you in essence are controlling everything.”

    I love you and you are right. You have not been the same for a while. I long for the days when you find contentment again. I know it be possible.

    I will do anything you need me to do.

  5. 13projects says:

    I’m sending my love to you right now. Which sounds like one of those overused things people say after a loved one has died. Except I mean it in a hippie way of actually visualizing my love traversing South to the Gateway of the West and settling in on your little knitting self.

    There is a special place for things that are cracked. It’s not always comfortable or stable, but it can be beautiful and awe-inspiring.

    So. While you are in this space, remember that cracked can allow for things we might not otherwise see. Like the kind of knowledge we get about ourselves during PMS. I’m not saying I want to have PMS all of the time, but kind of like that 9-12 times a year I have insight into myself that is unique.

    And fuck yeah to antidepressants. And that escape story is, well, appealing. Except for the part where your cousin, in giving up his life for a new one, probably gave up things he didn’t know were good. That whole unbearable lightness of being thing.

    • carrie says:

      I feel the love crossing the Mississippi and winding its way through the St. Louis interstates. I also want the cracked stone and pearl pendant.

      You’re right. I have to remain open to new insights about myself and what I want and need. This is kind of scary for me.

      The SSRIs have been prescribed and purchased. This will be the first night with them. It’s kind of weird to think about.

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