Breaking Thoughts

It’s hard to be the one left behind.

The one who is no longer wanted or needed. And to not know why really, or what exactly changed.

And it’s even harder to know this for four months, yet be told otherwise. To keep trying and failing because what you’re trying for is no longer there. To feel like something must be obviously wrong with you.

It’s hard to watch another begin building a different life, and to not understand why you aren’t included. To draw the conclusion that something must be wrong with you, but not knowing what.

I know some will think it poor form to write about such things on my blog, that it isn’t very fair to Porkchop. But my blog documents my life and feelings. If you feel uneasy, don’t read it.

Porkchop and I are officially no longer partners.

I feel lost and sad, but relieved to have closure to these past months.

I know that nothing is wrong with me as a person, but I also know it will be a while until I feel right again.

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12 thoughts on “Breaking Thoughts

  1. Alessandra says:

    I think it’s really brave of you to write it all out for the world to see. Reads to me as internet therapy and I hope it’s helping you. As far as everything else goes…. here is to a new beginning and a bright and happy future ahead. See you Monday :-)

    • carrie says:

      Thanks, Ale. It is therapeutic…writing here has always helped me process my thoughts and emotions.

      This is just a very painful mix of craziness right now. I look forward to knitting!

  2. 13projects says:

    I second the toast to braveness. I’m not sure what our contemporary love-hate relationship is with wanting to anonymously read blogs about people’s lives but then getting uncomfortable when people we know share information. This new step in your journey deserves all of the blogspace and care that are in the world.

    Hang in there. This isn’t easy. You are loved and supported.

  3. Porkchop says:

    For what it’s worth, I don’t mind you writing about it. Your blog helps me to understand better how you feel and what you are thinking. You are a wonderful, honest writer and I’ll continue to respect whatever it is you feel obligated to share regarding our relationship.

  4. Donna says:

    Carrie, I don’t know you personally. I started following your blog several years ago, via a link or a post on Ravelry. What kept me coming back was the quality of your blog posts — your honesty, your insights, your keen and often funny observations, and lately, yes, your honesty during these hard times. Your blog is a true chronicle, not a vanity piece. I respect you immensely for that.

    Be well, and take care of yourself.

  5. Val says:

    Love and hugs to you both.

  6. Oh, I’m so sorry. Commented to quickly on the the last post, apparently, since I hadn’t read this one.

    Hugs.

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