Category Archives: life stuff

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am

Everything was going along swimmingly this morning during my lady exam with my new gyno. She and I hit it off swell. She’s matter-of-fact, smiley, wears blue scrubs and no makeup, and she’s 7-months pregnant.

As she was acquainting herself with my inside parts, we chatted away, and I said laughingly, “I never check my IUD strings!! I know I should, but hahaha, I can never bring myself to do it!!” To which she said, “Oh, hahaha, I should check those strings!!” And then, “Hmmm, these actually feel a little low.”

A new speculum was rounded up, and I was cranked open again. My new friend felt around and reported, “Yeahhhhh, actualllllly this IUD is partially expelled. It has to come out.”

Thinking this would happen at some point down the road after I’d been allowed time to become seriously freaked out and anxious, I asked, “How is that going to feel? Because getting this IUD inserted was the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me. Ever.”

The gyno didn’t miss a beat and said, “I hear ya – I felt the same way. But this won’t hurt much. Just a little cramping.”

Because I’m aware that “just a little cramping” is code for “you will feel like I just punched you in the cervix and then stuck a fork in it,” I started to prepare to work myself into a sweaty, nervous mess.

But before I could ask more hard-hitting questions such as, “will I be left alone in a room while I bleed from my cervix?” the gyno announced, “okay, here we go!”

To which I yelled, “YOU’RE TAKING IT OUT RIGHT NOW???”

“Yes. Okay, here we go!”

Surprised by the comparative lack of pain, I exclaimed, “hey, that wasn’t so bad!” Which was quickly followed by, “oh, wait, there’s the cramping.”

She showed me my IUD buddy, but I didn’t have my wits gathered to request a photo shoot. So here’s a stock image of a Paragard IUD next to a dirty dime. It is small and mighty, but apparently no match for my body’s ability to expel foreign objects.

iud_s

 

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Enough

I always think it’s strange when people ask me questions like What are you looking for in someone? or What sort of relationship do you want?

When I’m by myself, I’m okay with just that. But when I’m around other people who pepper me with questions, it starts to make me feel like I shouldn’t be okay with it. Like I should be looking for Something Big and not happy with being on my own.

I start to feel ungrounded.

I’m looking for me to be grateful, happy, resilient, at ease, and at peace. I want a relationship with myself in which I’m honest, trustworthy, and respectful.

And I think that’s more than enough.

Things Will Never Be the Same Again

Sometimes it still weirds me out that my life right now is so different from the life I had a couple of years.

Minus some unsettledness I experienced recently, I’m stretching out into it.

I’ve always had a desire for emotional safety and comfort in my life, driven from a rather tumultuous childhood spent around mercurial temperaments and other dysfunctions. While I have this safety and comfort again now, it is in very different forms and packages, and it takes some getting used to.

I’m slow to adjust sometimes, but I truly do like this life.

And this song.

Other Good Things

Quinoa chocolate cake in cupcake form (and with agave instead of sugar).

Heck yeah.

Totally good.

Fall

There’s something about this combination of being in school and kicking down a leaf-strewn sidewalk while drinking hot tea and wearing a scarf that transports me to my undergrad years in Columbia.

Or maybe it’s this feeling of wide-openness in my life right now that takes me back.

In any case, I’ve been listening to old school Ani recently, which I haven’t done in 12 years or so. And I think about friends, the fall, coffee, writing, of feeling close and feeling open.

Warm and Fuzzies

In all the crappiness that I had ensue in the past approximately 24 hours, I was struck by a realization:

I have a great support network.

It’s a random cobbled-together little network spread over various places, but it’s mine and I love it.

Thanks.