Category Archives: things can be hard

New Year, New Song

So many good, amazing, wonderful things have happened in the past year, but I feel like I’m at a similar point as last year.

This is my current song on constant repeat:

Maybe it’s a bit melodramatic…maybe. But, damn it, I’ve been emotionally dried out and my heart feels like it was scraped across the road. Less so now, though, which is a good thing.

So easily, I became wrapped up in an intensely intoxicating whirlwind of a person, and then I was ejected out and left alone to claw my way through feelings. Claiming oneself to be emotionally unavailable is a maddening cowardly thing to do. Claiming that love is unconditional and infinite is a way to avoid doing real emotional work required of any sort of relationship, even friendship. Claiming to be wacky and quirky is a thin veil for actually being a self-absorbed, self-important prick.

The problem with being compassionate and empathetic is that one can easily ignore red flags. Oh my goodness, the red flags.

Anyway, here I am, trying to begin another year without cynicism and skepticism, but dang it…it can be difficult.

Thank goodness for awesome friends…real friends who don’t use cop-outs like being emotionally unavailable…who don’t mind listening to me spew endless rantiness and tears.

Things will be better…I just have to get over this yucky little speed bump called a mishandled and slightly broken heart.

Night Again

Falling asleep to the words of a yogi.

A mat is my bed tonight.

The yogi says, “You and I are different…we grew up so much more quickly than most other people.”

I look around mentally, and I realize that is what defines my true friends.

Lesson in Acceptance

Do you know what happens when one has taken the past two days off mentally? One must work on Friday night.

No complaints because this morning and afternoon were good for my soul. I hung out with my yoga friend, and he did some awesome grounding and stretching work on me. Then I had 80 minutes of massage happiness, followed by a Local Harvest lunch with my yoga friend.

I had a flash of thought during my shower this morning, and I carried that thought over and meditated on it during my various bodywork sessions.

Sometimes I struggle against lessons that are brought forth to me, not wanting to recognize them for what they are. I’ve had such a struggle recently, but I’m moving on to acceptance.

I’ve learned that I’m not broken – that I can feel the unique warm sunshine-y feeling of enjoying another person – but that I can’t get too caught up in wanting that feeling.

Life can be tough, yo.